The Grip: Why Your Body Refuses to Let Go (And How to Stop “Helping”)
For years, I’ve worked as a bodyworker, specifically practicing Thai massage. It is a practice I love because it’s a dance of movement—I move you, I stretch you, and I invite your nervous system to settle.
But over the years, I’ve realized that the lessons I learn on the Thai mat are the exact same lessons I see in my coaching practice. The biggest lesson? Most of us don't know how to stop "helping."
The "Good Client" Syndrome
I recently worked with a client whose body told a story I see far too often. She is an "exhausted chameleon"—a woman who has spent decades being everything to everyone.
In Thai massage, the goal is for the client to be completely passive. I want to have a quiet, honest conversation with your tissues, inviting your limbs to remember their own fluidity.
But as I reached for her arm, she "helped" me.
She anticipated where I was going. She lifted her shoulder, braced her bicep, and physically carried her own arm into the stretch. She was trying to be a "good client" by doing the work for me. Even here, on a mat designed for rest, she was performing.
This is what I call The Grip.
The Resistance in the Room
When "The Grip" happens, there is a distinct moment of tension. As the practitioner, I feel a "clunkiness"—instead of moving a fluid limb, I’m fighting against a locked hinge.
When I stop and say, "I have you. You don't have to help me," there is usually a sharp intake of breath.
This is the moment of seeing. The client suddenly realizes how much energy they were spending just to "hold" themselves together. It is a physical manifestation of a life lived as the fixer, the performer, or the "responsible one."
When we have been the person holding everything up for decades, our nervous system literally forgets how to be supported. We white-knuckle our own bodies because we are terrified that if we stop holding on, something—or everything—will break.
The Tool: Feeling the Weight
In my training in the Trager approach, I learned a radical truth: If you grip, you cannot feel your own weight. When you "help" or assist a movement, you lose the sensation of your own mass. You lose the ability to feel gravity doing the work for you. And when you can't feel your weight, you can't feel the support of the earth (or the mat) beneath you.
The physical result of The Grip is pain and stiffness. But the mental result is even costlier: a bone-deep exhaustion from never, ever letting the ground catch you. We shoot "second arrows" of tension into our own shoulders because we don’t trust our own frame to hold us.
This Week’s Practice: Notice, Feel, Try
In The Messy Middle Way, we don't start with the mind; we start with the body. Because your body already knows what your mind is still arguing about.
Try this 60-second practice today to begin identifying where you are "gripping" your life:
Notice: Several times today, pause and notice your shoulders or your jaw. Are you "helping" them stay in place? Are you braced for a conversation that hasn't happened yet?
Feel: Let your arms hang by your sides. Gently swing them back and forth.
Try: As they swing, try to stop "holding" them. Let them be heavy. Feel the weight of the bone and the swing of the muscle. Just for one minute, allow gravity to be the only thing in charge of your body.
When we stop forcing and allow softness in, we discover that the world doesn't fall apart. We just finally have the capacity to move in new ways.
Move from Body Wisdom to Lived Truth
The "Grip" is a habit of the nervous system, but you don't have to carry it alone. If you're ready to put down the armor and finally take your own dreams off the shelf, I have two ways to support you:
The Sound Bath | 1st & 3rd Sundays A space designed specifically for those who find it hard to let go. We use sound and vibration to practice the "dropping in" that the mind often resists. ╰┈➤ Sunday Sound Bath
The Messy Middle Way Coaching I am currently looking for my next two founding clients for my 12-session coaching journey. This is for the woman who is tired of "assisting" everyone else’s life at the expense of her own. We start with a 60-minute intro session to see if the "Inside Out" approach is right for you. ╰┈➤ Messy Middle Intro Session
